They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
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