If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
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