There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Randomize
