blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
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