I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
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Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
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We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
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