I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
