It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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