I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
Omg just want to confirm: got drunk, naked in street, fucked in bathroom and puked on bart.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
Randomize
