she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
That was rough. We had a 50% puke rate and 100% still drunk rate at lunch
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
The beer is more important than you right now.
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Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
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