if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
zippers are such a cool invention
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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