omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Randomize
