she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Randomize
