Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
Randomize
