I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
Randomize
