New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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