Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
You did what with his pubic hair?
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