I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
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