im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
