it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
Randomize
