His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
