if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
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