dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Randomize
