Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
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