I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
Randomize
