Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
These 19 Guys Hit The Cougar Jackpot
She's the barista slut.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
35 Disappointing People Who Failed At Sexting
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.