Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
23 Roommates Share Secrets Their Roomie Thinks They Don’t Know
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
29 Cringeworthy Situations People Realized They Shouldn’t Be In
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
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