She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
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the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
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Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.