but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Randomize
