just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Randomize
