my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
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