i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
