is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Randomize
