I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
The Olympian is in my bed
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Randomize
