You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Randomize
