All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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