I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
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