Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Randomize
