Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
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