You're a womanizer and a bitch.
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
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you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
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