Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
I will pee on everything he values.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
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