five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Randomize
