Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
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