a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
