im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize