They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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