I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
Hard rock hotel, wtf why am i still out, im gonna fuk 5 chix 2nite .maybe
She announced her abortion via fbk
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
Randomize
