We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
