I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
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