This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Randomize
