life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
