You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
Randomize
