Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
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