i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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