I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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