She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
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