Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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