making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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