a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
Randomize
